Death By Diction?

Twitter and indeed Gujarat’s very own Oprah, @map_patel, was astonishingly spotted in the early hours of this morning in India’s district of Bharuch. Only 4 weeks earlier, Map was released on police bail on the back of an investigation in relation to two women who suddenly fell into a coma, reportedly as a direct result of conversations, instigated by Map, for them to forcibly endure. The women, whose identities remain unknown, appear not to have been mentally equipped to deal with the rapid quips of the accused. At around 10am (GMT) this morning, Map was observed trying to hide his face with a duplicately dull dupatta while aimlessly strolling a dusty street, but a hawk-eyed Tweeter did not miss an opportunity to take a quick snap just in time, as Map briefly lowered his veil to uncontrollably let a passer-by know that ‘fraaandship’ was not a real word. Cue frenzy.

Herds of people (along with small farm animals) have crowded around the small shack currently being inhabited by Map, as the news is spreading like wildfire through the masses (picture Hagrid's hut). Our news reporter in India reports that Map, spotted donning a t-shirt with the slogan, ‘Words Don’t Kill People, People Kill People’, claims to have been disgusted for his treatment by the police and the Twitter elite.

Map was originally recruited as the spokesman for Muslim Twitter and is a long standing member of the board of the Muzlamic English Spelling Society (MESS). Map’s popularity grew after he was seen donating blood on several occasions, generously donating his increasingly sought after and rare Typ-O blood. But with great power comes great responsibility and rumours quickly spiralled after it was suggested that Map was also making something on the side by way of the black market. Over time, compounded by the circulating rumours, Map’s reputation deteriorated and his habitual error correction became less and less endearing. According to one user, “…he just goes on and on. He’s a bloody liability. He’s like a time bomb and now, two people may have permanently gone to sleep because of him!”

In a short, teary statement, Map has said, “Everything is sweet when you say what they want you to say, but once you stray from the script and develop your own voice, they come down on you like a pack of wolves. I did not put those women in a coma.” Bill Clinton ring a bell, anyone? Is Map really being framed? Perhaps he was propositioned to be a hitman - death by diction if you may - and he refused - and now he's paying the ultimate price. So many questions, so little time. The tension is tangible.

Map’s agent has vehemently stated that Map’s loyalty does have its limits but has urged him to return to the UK to help fight his corner. Although, he will not be encouraged by the controversial news just emerging that Map’s feature on BBC’s ‘This Is Your Life’ will no longer be aired. The episode was said to be one of a kind, taking 4 years to film with a record running time of 610 minutes with Map providing a running commentary. I guess now we’ll never know.

Map insists that he has been found guilty before the crime but his sudden absence is doing nobody any favours. The Map faithful have had to endure some gloomy times in the past but for some, nothing can surpass the fact that there may be no coming back from this. A call-for-arms has been issued by disciples close to Map for a Twitter boycott and for the police to drop all charges. The head of the support group was quoted as saying, “If the Twitter elite are going to influence us regarding what we tweet, retweet and favourite, then forget it. We need dialogue, and we need it now,” the kind of resonant rhetoric encapsulated by their leader.

Just in: Map has now left the building. For now, those poor ladies remain comatose, Map's whereabouts remain unknown and the truth remains a mystery...