Twitter Football 2.0

A great, black cloud has hovered over (and threatens to tarnish) what is promised to be the match of the year, as the world holds its breath as to what will emerge next. What’s more, FIFA officials have now become somewhat muted in their preparations for #TwitterFootball 2.0, as blossoming rumours threaten to infect this momentous event for its devoted fans, organisers and sponsors alike. Organisers have fought tooth and nail to keep the rumours at bay and to reduce them to exactly that, rumours. But with the attacks proving relentless, the people, as well as the media have started to pay attention. ‘Say it loud, say it long enough and you can’t just sweep something like this under the rug,’ highlighted a smiling source close to @Saka1410, the captain of the Twitter All Stars, the ‘rug’ presumably a cheeky nod at @Saka1410’s much envied mane.

Until very recently, we weren’t even sure if the event was going ahead, already months behind of schedule, afflicted with further delays ascribed to the lead ambassador, @hashtaghashim’s sabbatical absence, and compounded by the fact that several participants controversially dropped out in recent weeks. “Guests from Africa? Working? Not fully fit? What a ******* disgrace!” bawled one visibly disgruntled fan, citing some of the apologies put forward by those no longer participating, as fans gathered to protest outside the FIFA headquarters in Zürich. Despite years of precise planning, the event had already attracted much unwanted attention after @M_Ullah commented how ‘it’d be hilarious if no one turns up’, a devilish seed leading many to believe that the whole thing was a hoax.

This led to the spawning of one of the more harmless of the rumours, which is that the event, although initiated through good intentions, has been compromised by @Sule456, who has tricked the stars of the match into visiting his beloved Yorkshire, no less in order to head the herd to Headingley to watch a cricket match. Why? Allegedly it’s because this is one of several actions he has been tasked with by his estranged mentor, @BonsaiSky, in order to climb up the proverbial Twitter ladder and secure his position amongst the Twitter Elite. This follows a stressful week for @Sule456, in which he finally voiced his dismay at the lack of executive support received from @BonsaiSky, which he believes is a stark contrast from their earlier days. It is no doubt that this report, if true, would warrant the wrath of all of the other participants who are travelling the length and breadth of the country to compete. Whilst on the subject, we hear that one of the other tasks assigned by his mentor, which @Sule456 has successfully completed was to allow his femininity to blossom by convincing the world of his passion for baking, which he has succeeded in but arguably at the cost of losing followers. Is this just another one of @BonsaiSky’s ploys to stunt growth and establish himself as firm leader of the free (Muslim Twitter) world?

Another escalating theory is that @Saka1410 is being taken to LCA (Leeds Chocaholics Anonymous) to help him recover from his addiction, which has catapulted him into a less enviable notoriety, and which reached a record high after it was discovered that @Saka1410’s employer had successfully petitioned for the time on the Booth’s Clock to be set back 29 minutes, in a bid to guarantee punctuality.  At the time of writing, I can confirm that a diverse array of fans in their hundreds have already flocked to the LCA HQ at Wonka Square in Leeds, hoping to catch a glimpse of their favourite weirdo with a beardo. ‘Mmm, he’s my kinda bueno, if you catch m’drift,’ said one blushing aficionado, waiting to board the train from Preston to Leeds, an 83 year old Martha from Fishergate.

Finally, we just couldn’t conclude this piece without at least mentioning the fairytale which has been marinating in our minds for months now. That is of course the relationship that has blossomed before our very eyes between @hashtaghashim and @Saka1410. We have it on good authority that the two were in fact childhood sweethearts when such taboo matters were far less accepted than they are today. Our man in the field has absolutely no doubt that the soft spot they’ve always had for each other has been rekindled by their playful encounters in Twitterville and the resulting joshing from their followers which has ensued. We also understand that this is something which @Saka1410 may have inadvertently mentioned in what he thought was a private message to @hashtaghashim in the week leading up to the game hailed as Twitter Football 2.0. It’s no secret that many believe that both see this as the perfect platform to proclaim their love for each other in order to eradicate the whispers once and for all, but remain apprehensive due to concerns about how this will impact not only their respective positions in the online arena, but also the mental health of @Ridwan_Patel, with whom @Saka1410 has formed a palpable bond.

This is certainly one of the more credible scoops and we fear it would be potent enough to reduce the impending event to dust if it transpired that this entire facade has been orchestrated to allow @Saka1410 and @hashtaghashim to finally meet and provide them with a screen to legitimately spend time together in public. This theory has been given added weight by @Saka1410’s recent wild attacks on many of his peers and followers alike, leading to a common thread of belief that this is merely a major diversion tactic. One victim of his tirade, fashion guru Dina @dinatokio, while trying to evade an interview whilst holding her newborn baby, (which for the record is OMG so cute), simply turned to say that ‘The ewok clearly has some personal issues to resolve.’ Clearly upset, it was obvious that her best attempts to pass as nonchalant were in vain.

Nevertheless, back on topic, all we know is that a scandal of this magnitude would undoubtedly reduce the event and the preparations behind it to dust and, excuse the hyperbole, could be the start of the Twitterpocalypse. ‘Tooth’ be told, we haven’t seen this much controversy since Cecil the lion was sadly executed by the American dentist and I hear that a call-for-arms has pre-emptively been issued by the @Ridwan_Patel faithful to boycott the two online superstars since the allegations have come to light and begun to transcend mere grapevine gossip. Daily secret meetings are taking place throughout Starbucks chains nationwide with huge confusion in particular, with regards to whether @Ridwan_Patel, in line with sacred laws, would have to seclude himself in his home for 3 months should this story materialise as fact. However, a source close to @Ridwan_Patel reassured his followers that he was cool, calm and collected, supposedly quoted as saying that ‘@Saka1410’s agents are part of a religious sect who would never approve any association between him and a Pakistani, let alone friendship or more.’

Although none of the stars were available for interview, I think it goes without saying that in 24 hours time, the ticking time bomb of controversy will either implode into nothingness with the event being a huge success as planned, or this will be the end of life as we know it today. Watch this space. Or don’t.

(For ticket information and bookings, or for a chance to participate in the event, @hashtaghashim can be contacted via Twitter until 23:59 on 24/10/15.)